Rules for living

It's taking me a bit to write this and to think it up because it's hard to pin down just some of the things that I tend to live my life with. For some reason, I can't just free-flow and write with this, it's blocky and stubborn, and doesn't want to come out, no matter what I do. Then again, it is 6:30 am and I have been up all night, so take it as you will.

1) Be honest and truthful. No matter how bad it will or can be, it's worse without it.

2) Respect and courtesy is a two-way street, but just because someone else won't walk it doesn't mean you shouldn't.

3) Never live with regrets. Take chances and take risks, go for things you wouldn't normally, because you only live life once.

4) Treat yourself with respect. Drugs, smoking, all of that, it's just wrong and it's not like it's something unknown. Eat healthy most of the time, eat regular portions, exercise and just do the things that are common sense.

5) Use common sense. It's a misnomer, considering how few people actually use it.

6) Let the people you love know that you love them, and they mean something to you. You never know when you'll see them next, and you'll always wish that you had.

That's all I have for now.

Love-crossed paths

I don't know why I bother, why I want to be close to the people I know I will never be able to be with, why I hope that if I spend more time around them, they'll change their mind.

It just seems that it does the otherwise, reinforces that they're doing great, yeah they're great.

Yeah, to a certain extent this is a pity post, but it's more catharsis than anything else. I've just had so much frustration with relationships, with potential, with wanting to be able to have a relationship where they like me just as much as I do. I'm a great guy, I am a great guy, and I've had it driven home, over and over and over again. But I don't have 'it'. I don't have the belief that they have to hold on, grab on, because I'll leave. We both know I won't. I'm a nice guy and I won't bear, and can't bear, to hurt another. I've even lied and put myself in positions that have taken parts of me out of because I couldn't hurt another. So I perpetuate, continually, until I can't do it to myself anymore.

I'm at the end of my rope. I have one person I'm attracted to who's attracted to me, but is in a relationship, and no matter what, I will never be able to be with. I've made my peace with it, but it still tears me to hear and think about them. I can't help it, I've come to accept that I won't be with her but it doesn't hurt any less. I talk with her daily, and I don't know how it would be not to, but it's her life and her choices and it's happening. I won't be anything more to her than a friend. I think, more than anything, that is what hurts the most - that I won't be someone important to her life. That when there was at least the small chance, I would be able to mean something to her beyond being just a friend. I will just be her friend, and nothing more than that, nothing more than that.

I have another person who cares and loves me but isn't in love with me. Distance and religion stand in the way, and that I live too far away to really be someone she can care about more. That even if that weren't an obstacle, that her tie to her religion won't let her marry someone like me. I've known her for a while, and she means so much to me, but as she put it, I'm two lines she won't cross. I won't ever have the knowledge or closure that we could have tried and it could have been something special and wonderful, or the acceptance that our differences in the end made it unattainable. That in a life that I strive to live and to live without regrets, she and whatever future with her will always be one of the big ones.

I have two marvelous women in my life that I both care about greatly but I will never mean anything more than a wistful friend. The lack of hope hurts. My only outlet for it is this, because I'm a strong enough person to want to stand on my own two feet and take the brunt of it and let it shape me into a better person. The fault with that is that I don't have the asset of time to help dull the scars of now, and I still have the cut of regret.

Nothing will change. So I have to keep soldiering on.