Investment

I'm all over the place on this - I know what I want to say but I don't know how to say it.

I think I invest myself too much in things.

Marian Call had a concert on the 11th of September in Vancouver, and I told Qui about it. Qui is Jacqueline, one of the girls I've liked. When I went to the Marian Call concert in Sacramento, it was just phenomenal, it was the best concert I've ever been to, and Marian herself was such a nice person that the experience ended up being unbelievable. Her concert in Vancouver was free, a 5-10 dollar donation if you could afford it, but it was Marian's concert, and everyone should listen and attend a concert if humanly possible because it is just that good and Marian should have all the recognition and accolades/praise she deserves for that much effort.

Qui decided not to go. At first when I told her about it she said she couldn't really afford a concert, but said "she'd see" when I told her about the details. It bothered, and still bothers me about it. That she'd decide that she'd rather play an online game than go to a concert and meet such a wonderful individual. I feel hurt that such a strong recommendation and outright plea was ignored. I have some mixed feelings now about where I stand and how much I matter, in the end, but that's for another post.

This got me thinking about how much I've invested myself into people, and even how integrated technology has become part of my life. I have strong friends from the internet, most of which I call and talk to even if I don't see them regularly. I text a lot, far more than I have a year or two ago, keeping in contact with them. On Twitter, I've come to be able to talk with people like Marian Call and Megan Lynch, IFightDragons and Odin Smith, people that I listen to their music and come to know on a personal level and who I want to see nothing but the best. People who I want continual success and fame, people who should be known for their work and who should be praised for it. Actors that I push and look for, because every single one of them is wonderful and kind. People like Greg Benson, Sean Becker, Higlet that put their all into their work and do it for the best reason of loving what they do. I want them to be successful, and I recommend them and show their work to others no matter what kind of remarks of looks I get for it. I want everyone I know to be successful and I do my best to help in any way and shape that I can. I guess it's disheartening when I try hard for it and people don't believe in me.

I hope that this post means I have a good heart, and I'm trying to help others because I can, but really, what I feel now is just disappointed. Marian Call's song, 'Vanilla', came on, and the lyrics "I love people and I want them to love me" pretty much captures this.

I'm tired. Next blog may be that I'm a whackjob who can't get over relationships that never materialized and that I feel too familiar with people I know from the internet and I follow on Twitter.

Rules for living

It's taking me a bit to write this and to think it up because it's hard to pin down just some of the things that I tend to live my life with. For some reason, I can't just free-flow and write with this, it's blocky and stubborn, and doesn't want to come out, no matter what I do. Then again, it is 6:30 am and I have been up all night, so take it as you will.

1) Be honest and truthful. No matter how bad it will or can be, it's worse without it.

2) Respect and courtesy is a two-way street, but just because someone else won't walk it doesn't mean you shouldn't.

3) Never live with regrets. Take chances and take risks, go for things you wouldn't normally, because you only live life once.

4) Treat yourself with respect. Drugs, smoking, all of that, it's just wrong and it's not like it's something unknown. Eat healthy most of the time, eat regular portions, exercise and just do the things that are common sense.

5) Use common sense. It's a misnomer, considering how few people actually use it.

6) Let the people you love know that you love them, and they mean something to you. You never know when you'll see them next, and you'll always wish that you had.

That's all I have for now.

Love-crossed paths

I don't know why I bother, why I want to be close to the people I know I will never be able to be with, why I hope that if I spend more time around them, they'll change their mind.

It just seems that it does the otherwise, reinforces that they're doing great, yeah they're great.

Yeah, to a certain extent this is a pity post, but it's more catharsis than anything else. I've just had so much frustration with relationships, with potential, with wanting to be able to have a relationship where they like me just as much as I do. I'm a great guy, I am a great guy, and I've had it driven home, over and over and over again. But I don't have 'it'. I don't have the belief that they have to hold on, grab on, because I'll leave. We both know I won't. I'm a nice guy and I won't bear, and can't bear, to hurt another. I've even lied and put myself in positions that have taken parts of me out of because I couldn't hurt another. So I perpetuate, continually, until I can't do it to myself anymore.

I'm at the end of my rope. I have one person I'm attracted to who's attracted to me, but is in a relationship, and no matter what, I will never be able to be with. I've made my peace with it, but it still tears me to hear and think about them. I can't help it, I've come to accept that I won't be with her but it doesn't hurt any less. I talk with her daily, and I don't know how it would be not to, but it's her life and her choices and it's happening. I won't be anything more to her than a friend. I think, more than anything, that is what hurts the most - that I won't be someone important to her life. That when there was at least the small chance, I would be able to mean something to her beyond being just a friend. I will just be her friend, and nothing more than that, nothing more than that.

I have another person who cares and loves me but isn't in love with me. Distance and religion stand in the way, and that I live too far away to really be someone she can care about more. That even if that weren't an obstacle, that her tie to her religion won't let her marry someone like me. I've known her for a while, and she means so much to me, but as she put it, I'm two lines she won't cross. I won't ever have the knowledge or closure that we could have tried and it could have been something special and wonderful, or the acceptance that our differences in the end made it unattainable. That in a life that I strive to live and to live without regrets, she and whatever future with her will always be one of the big ones.

I have two marvelous women in my life that I both care about greatly but I will never mean anything more than a wistful friend. The lack of hope hurts. My only outlet for it is this, because I'm a strong enough person to want to stand on my own two feet and take the brunt of it and let it shape me into a better person. The fault with that is that I don't have the asset of time to help dull the scars of now, and I still have the cut of regret.

Nothing will change. So I have to keep soldiering on.

Return

Man, it's been a long time, hasn't it.

Well, I have a job that I volunteer at, that basically requires me to go online and do nothing, so I should be able to devote some time to that today. I should be able to update it more often, but for now, I know how much I've abused this, and I'd like to change it.

No update from me for now, though, but I think I will soon enough.